When you realise something horrific.

it really, really freaks you out.

I'm physically shaking, right this second. I can accept certain things, yes. But, I have serious, serious doubts about whether the future is going to be... I don't know.

I've come to the conclusion I'm a very, very weak person. I need to stop repeating every adjective twice. Basically - I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with "friends". I'm a selfish, horrible bitch - get the fuck over it. Truth is, I don't know if I can cope. It physically hurts. Thinking, seeing, talking... they all make me feel so, so, so much worse (so isn't an adjective and I said it twice so fuck off!)

I'm actually talking to myself right now, this is literally my inner monologue (slightly editted). Proof I am going insane.

I have realised and somewhat accepted that we're never going to be together again. That I have most definately lost that for good. It's my own fault. It's my own fault all of this happened, actually. I warned myself, tried to stop but... I'm weak, what can I say? The fact that that's never coming back... kills me inside.

Then there's the fact that nothing, in the entire world can guarantee we'll ever be friends like we used to be. Infact, it's pretty likely we'll end up settling for something much less. Why bother at all? All it'll be is a constant reminder, a constant hollowing out of my chest.

I'm too weak for that. Especially right now.

That's my current train of thought, at least. I am aware that for the past few weeks, I haven't been thinking very clearly. This is the most sense I've made in ages, actually. Right now, every other thought is really quite dangerous to me. So, maybe I should cut myself out of this cycle, at the very least.

Catch-22, I'm going to hurt so fucking much either way. That's why I can't be honest and say this stuff. Because I'm not 100% sure it's what I want. I probably will change my mind somewhere down the line. Right now, I don't wanna even leave the house. The world scares me. I feel like a small child.

I can't cope with this alone, but I'm going to have to. So, maybe I'll just take it one step further.

Who fucking knows.