mraaaaaaawgh.

I actually need to stop replacing words and conversation with an assortment of strange noises. True fact.


This week has been one hell of a whirlwind. I actually feel physically dizzy when I stop to think about it.

I'm losing my mind, you're in my head all the time
I'm losing my mind and you're just fine.


Pimping out a bit of Better Than Toast right there (y), they're really good. I'd say they're better than toast but that would be:

a) A really, really lame pun.
b) Meaningless, seeing as I don't really like toast anyway.

I'm slightly irritated right now, to be perfectly honest. One minute, everythings fine, next day I'm getting ignored? Oooooh. It makes me want to punch someone really hard in the face.

However, I cannot throw a punch to save my frigging life.

I'm still can't stop thinking, re-thinking and overanalysing. And wanting. Really desperately wanting something I know fine well I can't have. Maybe I'm just being a spoiled little brat or something but it's really difficult to let go.

Today, I was supposed to be going swimming with Cheetos. But she's gone materials shopping instead. Cow. (I love her really!)

& latest Ouran chapter made me a very, very happy bunny this morning.

I don't want to be away from college for two weeks. Yes, the real reason is sad, pathetic, lame and a plethora of similar adjectives. One track mind and all that, ho-hum. I really do need a break though. I'm so stressed and barely sleeping at the moment. Y'know, studies show my lack of sleep is making my friends 20% more likely to smoke weed. I really am a bad influence after all.

This week should be quite good, at least. I'm probably going out for lunch with my lovely mother tomorrow and I'm at Clara's on Tues-Weds. We're going to bake brownies, yay! (Let's hope no one dies in the process.) It's my parents twentieth wedding anniversary on Weds which is so, so cuuuuute. Then I'm going to see Remember Me with Laurennie on Saturday. Good stuff (y).

So, I really shouldn't feel this hollow, should I? Bah. I need plans for the second week.

I also should watch my newly reclaimed Potter DVD... and tidy my room.

Over and out :)

Diary

My God, this is what this is actually turning into :'D!

Hi diary, I should give you a name. I'll pick one after my homework :3.

I was in a state earlier. Now, I feel pretty clear and calm. Best friends do that to you. The world isn't ending - this is just the beginning. I want to really live first, anyway.

And frankly, my priorites are ever changing. I'm coming to terms with who I am and what I really want out of life.

CHOCOLATE AND SEXY DEAD WIZARDS.

:D

When you realise something horrific.

it really, really freaks you out.

I'm physically shaking, right this second. I can accept certain things, yes. But, I have serious, serious doubts about whether the future is going to be... I don't know.

I've come to the conclusion I'm a very, very weak person. I need to stop repeating every adjective twice. Basically - I don't know if I'm strong enough to deal with "friends". I'm a selfish, horrible bitch - get the fuck over it. Truth is, I don't know if I can cope. It physically hurts. Thinking, seeing, talking... they all make me feel so, so, so much worse (so isn't an adjective and I said it twice so fuck off!)

I'm actually talking to myself right now, this is literally my inner monologue (slightly editted). Proof I am going insane.

I have realised and somewhat accepted that we're never going to be together again. That I have most definately lost that for good. It's my own fault. It's my own fault all of this happened, actually. I warned myself, tried to stop but... I'm weak, what can I say? The fact that that's never coming back... kills me inside.

Then there's the fact that nothing, in the entire world can guarantee we'll ever be friends like we used to be. Infact, it's pretty likely we'll end up settling for something much less. Why bother at all? All it'll be is a constant reminder, a constant hollowing out of my chest.

I'm too weak for that. Especially right now.

That's my current train of thought, at least. I am aware that for the past few weeks, I haven't been thinking very clearly. This is the most sense I've made in ages, actually. Right now, every other thought is really quite dangerous to me. So, maybe I should cut myself out of this cycle, at the very least.

Catch-22, I'm going to hurt so fucking much either way. That's why I can't be honest and say this stuff. Because I'm not 100% sure it's what I want. I probably will change my mind somewhere down the line. Right now, I don't wanna even leave the house. The world scares me. I feel like a small child.

I can't cope with this alone, but I'm going to have to. So, maybe I'll just take it one step further.

Who fucking knows.

We're of to see the wizard...

...the wonderful wizard of Hogwarts :D

Eugh, I had a lovely dream where I was at Hogwarts with certain people, back in Marauders era. Fucking awesome, maaaan. I wish I hadn't woken up, really.

Current life report: STILL no sign of any ambiguously gay esper boys to whisk me off my feet and stuff. Yeah, life sucks like that.

May or may not dye my hair today. Depends if I can get the right colour dye. Or have time. Or can be arsed.

I'm wondering which Pokemon game to download first, decisions, decisions.

Mornings are odd. Strange. Weird. I haven't had much time to think, so everything just comes out as nonsense. Win!

I have sooooo much work to do today. I wonder why I didn't do it yesterday. Life is quite the mystery to me.

It's the Easter holidays soon! No one has any idea how relieved yet terrified I am. I need the break though, I feel so... drained right now.

Lemon drops!

I am not a fucking potato!

...Sometimes I actually worry about the dreams I have. Yes, I had a dream arguing with someone about my status as a potato. Why a potato? I don't know... maybe it's 'cause I like mashed potato?

I slept reasonably well last night. When I woke up this morning, it was raining. Hot, too. I hate it when it's hot and rainy. I don't like hot weather too much anyway but hot rain seems... very sad. Cold rain seems energetic and excited. I prefer cold rain. Cold, rainy and preferably a thunderstorm would suit me, much, much better. Needless to say, after two hours out in the rain, I was piss wet through. Strangely, my cold seems to have moreorless cleared up.

I started thinking about the rain an awful lot. Even though it seemed really sad at the time, you can't have a rainbow without rain. The sad, depressed rain deserves to become a rainbow the most, I think. Well, maybe not deserves, but I think it needs to. It's kind of like the ugly duckling, but I'm terrified of birds and I was chased by a swan once... What I'm really saying is, I love rainbows - they're bright, colourful, happy and different. Special. But still happy. I like that, I really do. So, I really hope this mornings sad rain became a happy, shiny rainbow :)

Currently, I think I feel a little like the rain. Heck, at the moment I'm so melancholy I wouldn't be surprised if a squad of esper boys came to sweep me off my feet :3 (If you read this and understand that joke - LET'S GET MARRIED!) I want to be a rainbow, like those earrings Amy bought me for Christmas. At the moment I just feel so stressed, drained and... I can't think of the right word, but it's not important - you get the idea. It's like I've been washed and faded out. I can't shine seven different colours. Infact, I'm not even a warm colour. Cliche as it is, I feel like I'm turning grey.My head looks like grey, swirly clouds. Not storm clouds, just the dull, overcast ones. The ones that try to rain slightly and fail epically. Those ones.

I may or may not be going insane but I'm certainly not becoming a rainbow. I'm gonna have to try harder - there'll always be some sunshine, right? This whole blog post makes no sense and feels muted to me.It's weird. I feel really alone right now, too. Even though I'm aware I have wonderful friends just a moment away.

Nothing makes any sense.

That one sentence could potentially sum up my entire life at this moment.

Adieu, losers :P

I don't know

I don't know anything anymore.

Actually, there is one thing I'm certain of. I do not want tomorrow. No matter how bad today gets, at least it isn't tomorrow.

I think I forgot how to be happy at some point this weekend, heh. I proved I can do a fantastic impression yesterday, though.

The only other thing I'm sure of is that I want to be childish about this. I want to dig my heels in and kick and shout and scream and cry. Maybe I haven't grown up at all.

I don't know if I'm glad no one will read this or not. I want someone to reach out, but I really don't.

I broke my no tears record for the day. Fantastic.

Fuck you all, Nichola :)

Jebus invented nu-rave xD

Yes, this is meant to scare the shit out of you. Yes, you! I'm coming for you next, you fucking vile cow!

...Eating Ben makes me angry and somewhat evil. The title also has nothing to do with anything :)

Today was today like. Pretty awesome, really. Did I mention I was chased to college by a policebot with lasers? No? Well I totally was!

I've also been abducted by aliens. They are so cool! However, I'm worried about the glowing green sticks (and the screams from the next room!) :/

I can't remember most of my actual day (faaaaaaaiiiiiiiil) but I'm currently having a lovely time with Benjamina Ballerina. He's totally dancing for me in a tutu right now!

His wall also has it in for my head. Fucking prick :@

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been having the urge to sing Christmas carols. I'm wondering, does this make me early or late? They're not fun when everyone else sings too, dammit.

I'm thinking of re-opening a neopets account. Seriously. 

 This was the Grim Reaper, over and out!